People, your child included, rarely come to true faith, become assimilated into Christ's story, due to intellectual discussion or convincing argument. Most people come to Christ through a profound, ongoing relationship with a authentic Christian. This is why it is so important that you as a parent have an active faith and demonstrate to your child that you really do love them and you love, not the philosophy of but the person, Jesus Christ. Clarity in these two relationships overcomes almost all obstacles and shifts people to a position where they can accept that this God-story is true. "This is how they will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:35. Grow yourself transparently towards God and towards them.
The last step in bringing your child to faith is helping them find their place in the story. Now Hear This....this does not mean telling them what they should be doing in the church or on Sunday. Helping them find their place means celebrating any activity that they do and orienting it to Christ. Instead of taking them with you as a part of your story like in section "B", now it is time to let them know that you think they are great and have wonderful things to offer in Christ's story. "You really are a good artist. That work would look great in the Parish Hall." "This is a great omelet! The Men's Hike guys would love this." Planting seeds. It will help your mission to talk to ministry leaders, explain your child's talents and ask them to ask your child for help.
A final word: you are long past telling them they need to change. Hasn't worked so far and won't work now. You are now adult acquaintances (not even friends yet) so treat them that way. You wouldn't tell an acquaintance to get their act together. You would ask, "How are things going? You look kind of down." And then you would simply listen. And pray.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Bringing Adult Children (back) to Faith 4b
We are still moving your adult child from an Accommodation type of faith to their Assimilation into Christ's story - giving up their life and agenda and taking up a life for Christ.
The predominant activity on your part, setting the stage, turning on lights and music, remains your relationship with Christ. Give up your own life for Christ. Be engaged as fully as possible. This doesn't necessarily mean going to multiple Bible Studies and being in the church building whenever the doors are open. What it means is that your life is actually centered in Christ and it is part of your conversation - not bragging but matter-of-fact testimonies. You are proud of how careful the vestry is with your tithe. It is great that God invented golf. Your testimony on the golf course with _____ went so well. You hold hands with your spouse so your child can see a model of righteous intimacy. You retell the story from the guy you served at Crisis Ministry.
The predominant activity on your part, setting the stage, turning on lights and music, remains your relationship with Christ. Give up your own life for Christ. Be engaged as fully as possible. This doesn't necessarily mean going to multiple Bible Studies and being in the church building whenever the doors are open. What it means is that your life is actually centered in Christ and it is part of your conversation - not bragging but matter-of-fact testimonies. You are proud of how careful the vestry is with your tithe. It is great that God invented golf. Your testimony on the golf course with _____ went so well. You hold hands with your spouse so your child can see a model of righteous intimacy. You retell the story from the guy you served at Crisis Ministry.
The second thing to do to bring them into Christ's story is very hard. You need to confess your failings to your child. For you to assist your adult child in making this transition you have to be in the right position with your adult child. If your interactions with your child remain parent:child interactions, you will make little progress.
Confess that you are sorry for being a crummy parent (we all are). Next, confess that you are sorry for talking to your child through all the baggage of the last 25 years instead of having clean conversations. Confess that you are sorry for not listening well. Confess that you are sorry for not changing your role from teacher/parent to adult friend yet.
Now - position changed - you proceed as an equal friend. You are starting over with Saint-Exupery's thought,
“If you want to build a ship, ...don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”
Live a life that is full and undoubtedly a part of Jesus' story and invite your child into the story. Bring them into your adventure with Jesus. Bring them into your mission trip, into your Habitat work, into your SS teaching, into your hunting excursion fellowship times.As you do that, continue your praise of your child's efforts at accommodating the teachings of Christ. “I have been paying better attention to your life lately and you have been doing a good job of turning over areas in your life to God. I am proud of you for the job you are doing following God." Even adult children need praise and encouragement. We're not there yet so...more to come.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Bringing Adult Children (back) to Faith 4a
Accommodation faith to Assimilation.
Even after Jesus was resurrected and taught the disciples, in Acts 1:6, they ask Him, "Is this the time you are going to beat up the Romans and throw them out so we can have our kingdom back?" [slightly paraphrased.]
The disciples, after all this time, years, were still looking for Jesus to fix their lives, to make things work, to be a part of their story. The stage of spiritual growth that they can't seem to get to is called assimilation. It is the stage when one commits oneself to be assimilated into Jesus' life, into His story. Assimilation is the phase when you lose your life because you know that Jesus' life work is where you are supposed to be. This is the place in growth where the rich young ruler collapsed. "I have done (accommodated) all these things." "Go and sell all you have...." Can you hear the crowd? "Jesus didn't tell me that." "Is Jesus being metaphorical again? Surely He isn't telling this guy to sell everything?" "Watch, Jesus is going to call him back any second. Just kidding, you only have to sell half." Compare the disciples in Acts 1 with them a couple of days later in Chapter 2. New creations. The Holy Spirit comes upon them and they are new creations. There is no more talk of them and their lives. It is all about Jesus and the Kingdom of God. Their lives are forgotten. Their story over-written. We depend on the Holy Spirit for this work...but we can help. We can set the stage. We can bring up the lights. We can start the music. How? Stay tuned.
Even after Jesus was resurrected and taught the disciples, in Acts 1:6, they ask Him, "Is this the time you are going to beat up the Romans and throw them out so we can have our kingdom back?" [slightly paraphrased.]
The disciples, after all this time, years, were still looking for Jesus to fix their lives, to make things work, to be a part of their story. The stage of spiritual growth that they can't seem to get to is called assimilation. It is the stage when one commits oneself to be assimilated into Jesus' life, into His story. Assimilation is the phase when you lose your life because you know that Jesus' life work is where you are supposed to be. This is the place in growth where the rich young ruler collapsed. "I have done (accommodated) all these things." "Go and sell all you have...." Can you hear the crowd? "Jesus didn't tell me that." "Is Jesus being metaphorical again? Surely He isn't telling this guy to sell everything?" "Watch, Jesus is going to call him back any second. Just kidding, you only have to sell half." Compare the disciples in Acts 1 with them a couple of days later in Chapter 2. New creations. The Holy Spirit comes upon them and they are new creations. There is no more talk of them and their lives. It is all about Jesus and the Kingdom of God. Their lives are forgotten. Their story over-written. We depend on the Holy Spirit for this work...but we can help. We can set the stage. We can bring up the lights. We can start the music. How? Stay tuned.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Bringing Adult Children (back) to Faith 3
After you have rebuilt your relationship with your adult child by hanging with them (don't ever leave this activity and don't push too fast), it is time to begin the work of introducing them to Jesus. This is the stage of accommodation. This is the stage of spiritual growth when people are learning what Jesus teaches and they begin to recognize Him as a good teacher. "Who do people say that I am?" remember Jesus asking that? "A teacher, the prophet...the Messiah." People rarely jump to a complete understanding of who Jesus is. For the disciples, 3 years of following the real, present person of Jesus around, eating and listening to Him, experiencing his crucifixion and seeing Him alive again were not enough for conversion but it is critical plowing. They accommodated His teachings ...some. Finally, the Holy Spirit poured out on them at Pentecost converted them. Your task up to now has been to be simply, fully, present with your child. Now you may start, not preaching, but talking matter-of-factly, not about how your child needs Jesus, but talking matter-of-factly about how Jesus influences your decisions. This is called faith talk. In normal conversation about life, you stop not talking about Jesus and talk about Him casually like He is a part of everything you do- as He is in everything you do. Remember that evangelism is not about convincing people to come to Jesus - which you can't do, it is about your testimony, giving voice to the reason for the hope you have in Christ. "I hear you that you are really struggling in your marriage. You may not know this but I struggle with that, too. Marriage is hard for me. Getting to know what Jesus says about love has really helped me make it through the rough times." After 3 years of this kind of conversation, and your child seeing you crucify your life for them, they will begin to pay attention. If it was a long process for Jesus, it will probably be a long process for you so take your time and do it well. Pray for the Holy Spirit to infiltrate their thinking, to surround them, to open opportunities for faith talk. They will happen. Then your child will start the process of bringing Jesus as teacher, accommodating Him, into their lives.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Bringing Adult Children (back) to Faith 2
The first step in bringing adult children home is Affiliation (the previous blog).
The second step is Association. When you associate with someone, you work side by side with them.
This is not a long term commitment nor a blood brothers activity. You're helping a neighbor put a roof on. You help put up chairs after an event because a friend asked you to help them.
For alienated children (of all ages), one of the most important steps (remember this is a progression) you can take is to simply do something with them that does not have them as the focus. If your child gets a hint of, "This will be another opportunity to give them the talk," then they are out of there - if they show up at all.
You really need to spend time with your child just doing "stuff". Quality time is important but only in small doses. Quantity time is critical at this stage of wooing someone to Christ. People need to feel safe that you are not going to badger them. This is especially true (and requires longer effort) if you have been at odds with your child for a while. They need to know first that you love them and like them and also, paradoxically, that they are not the center of your life. Partnering primes the conversation pump with trivial matters so that the conversation you long for can happen...later. Trying to pry that rose bud open only makes a mess so relax. Take your time. Shut up and just do something with them. Associate with them. Oh... and pray like crazy.
The second step is Association. When you associate with someone, you work side by side with them.
This is not a long term commitment nor a blood brothers activity. You're helping a neighbor put a roof on. You help put up chairs after an event because a friend asked you to help them.
For alienated children (of all ages), one of the most important steps (remember this is a progression) you can take is to simply do something with them that does not have them as the focus. If your child gets a hint of, "This will be another opportunity to give them the talk," then they are out of there - if they show up at all.
You really need to spend time with your child just doing "stuff". Quality time is important but only in small doses. Quantity time is critical at this stage of wooing someone to Christ. People need to feel safe that you are not going to badger them. This is especially true (and requires longer effort) if you have been at odds with your child for a while. They need to know first that you love them and like them and also, paradoxically, that they are not the center of your life. Partnering primes the conversation pump with trivial matters so that the conversation you long for can happen...later. Trying to pry that rose bud open only makes a mess so relax. Take your time. Shut up and just do something with them. Associate with them. Oh... and pray like crazy.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Bringing Adult Children (back) to Faith
We all want, desperately, for our children to follow Christ. When those children as adults are far away from Christ, we often despair. Be sure of this, it is never too late.
It is much harder to bring someone into the faith or back into the faith when they are adults but
our God is a worker of miracles.
Often a flaw in our efforts to evangelize adults that are close to us is to think that we can reason them into faith. "If I can just find the right argument they will get it."
Other broken methods are trying to guilt them or cajole them or scare them into it.
Many others think that if we just tell them to come to church enough times they will wear down and one day come. Give that up.
Though Paul had a sudden experience of transformation, this is not typical. Usually coming to faith is a process.
The first step in that process is Affiliation.
Affiliation is the stage in formation when people are warming up to the church and Christ. It is just like meeting someone - it is meeting someone, actually. If you are introducing two people that you want to become friends, you make the first meeting light and pleasant in a nice atmosphere. You want them to warm up to each other. This is the first step in bringing adults to faith. If you have been pursuing your child, it will take a while for them to get over that history so be patient. They need time to unlearn what you have been giving them. Drop every other strategy. Quit talking about Christ. Quit trying to win them. Quit telling them that they are not a Christian. Just start walking beside them in a way that is comfortable for them. The disciples wanted to follow Jesus and He didn't demand much from His disciples at first. "Come and see."
One tidbit of psychology: If you try to push someone somewhere, their initial response will be defense, to push back. If you have been pushing your child towards Christ then they have been practicing pushing Christ away. How long have they been practicing that! Time to end that dynamic. Just be there for them. Be someone they want to follow.
That's the first step - feeling the love.
It is much harder to bring someone into the faith or back into the faith when they are adults but
our God is a worker of miracles.
Often a flaw in our efforts to evangelize adults that are close to us is to think that we can reason them into faith. "If I can just find the right argument they will get it."
Other broken methods are trying to guilt them or cajole them or scare them into it.
Many others think that if we just tell them to come to church enough times they will wear down and one day come. Give that up.
Though Paul had a sudden experience of transformation, this is not typical. Usually coming to faith is a process.
The first step in that process is Affiliation.
Affiliation is the stage in formation when people are warming up to the church and Christ. It is just like meeting someone - it is meeting someone, actually. If you are introducing two people that you want to become friends, you make the first meeting light and pleasant in a nice atmosphere. You want them to warm up to each other. This is the first step in bringing adults to faith. If you have been pursuing your child, it will take a while for them to get over that history so be patient. They need time to unlearn what you have been giving them. Drop every other strategy. Quit talking about Christ. Quit trying to win them. Quit telling them that they are not a Christian. Just start walking beside them in a way that is comfortable for them. The disciples wanted to follow Jesus and He didn't demand much from His disciples at first. "Come and see."
One tidbit of psychology: If you try to push someone somewhere, their initial response will be defense, to push back. If you have been pushing your child towards Christ then they have been practicing pushing Christ away. How long have they been practicing that! Time to end that dynamic. Just be there for them. Be someone they want to follow.
That's the first step - feeling the love.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Lent - CounterFormation
Next week we begin our long 40 day trek through the desert with Jesus. Formation happens all the time. Every billboard and magazine cover we see forms us. Every rose we smell and thorn that pricks our fingertip forms us. Every kind word and every slight forms us. James calls us adulterers for loving the world and loving God. The Bible is full of references to our relationship with God as a marriage. Lent is an opportunity for us to step back from our lives and focus on what our adulteries are. This is our season of counter formation. We must cut away the world and, as purely as we can, be formed only by our Father.
Oh, what a lot of work! Sounds like works righteousness. It is a lot of work but it is the work of vacuuming and cleaning and setting a nice table and fixing a special meal for your wife - preparation so that love can happen. Lent is a time of setting aside busy-ness. A time of creating space, a sabbath so that love between you and your God can happen. You can't control God and make Him love you. You can't make you love Him. BUT.... you can make a place where love can happen. In fact, you MUST make a place where love can happen. You should do that every day. But since we don't, the church in its wisdom has set aside a time for us to focus on only that. The negatives: set aside TV; set aside reading; set aside a meal; set aside deserts. Positives to go in their place: kneeling for one minute beside your bed at night; talking with your wife; going for a walk with God every day; eating plainly in solidarity with the poor. Practice finding your comfort and satisfaction in Christ for 40 days and you will find yourself in a place where love has happened. Promise. Be not conformed to the world but be ye counter formed.
Oh, what a lot of work! Sounds like works righteousness. It is a lot of work but it is the work of vacuuming and cleaning and setting a nice table and fixing a special meal for your wife - preparation so that love can happen. Lent is a time of setting aside busy-ness. A time of creating space, a sabbath so that love between you and your God can happen. You can't control God and make Him love you. You can't make you love Him. BUT.... you can make a place where love can happen. In fact, you MUST make a place where love can happen. You should do that every day. But since we don't, the church in its wisdom has set aside a time for us to focus on only that. The negatives: set aside TV; set aside reading; set aside a meal; set aside deserts. Positives to go in their place: kneeling for one minute beside your bed at night; talking with your wife; going for a walk with God every day; eating plainly in solidarity with the poor. Practice finding your comfort and satisfaction in Christ for 40 days and you will find yourself in a place where love has happened. Promise. Be not conformed to the world but be ye counter formed.
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